Burn
by radiogirl
Summary: He took her away on that dark night, and she lost herself in him. Slowly Rory knows she must fight to figure out who she is amongst the torrent of emotions that he brings to her. What she doesn't yet know is that her future is not what it may seem.
1. Escape

**Title**: Burn **Author**: Radiogirl **Rating**: T (Just to be safe)

**Credit**: I own none of the characters from the Gilmore Girls series. This story, however, is mine, as well as any characters that I create along the way that are not originally from the show.

**Summary**: He took her away on that dark night, and she lost herself in him. Slowly, Rory knows she must fight to figure out who she is amongst the torrent of emotions that he brings to her. What she doesn't yet know is that her future is not what it may seem.

(Note: This chapter was revised on 2/5/02)

* * *

The stars hung low in the dark, suffocating night. I kept my eyes fixed upward, watching them blur with the tears that slowly filled my eyes as I lay next to you. The night was cold; I could feel it wrapping around me and slowly seeping through my thin jacket. I hadn't anticipated the cold; I hadn't anticipated leaving for this long. I hadn't anticipated leaving with you. 

I heard you take a breath as we lay together on the hood of the car, staring up at the bright stars. I heard the flick of a lighter and watched as the smoke slowly filtered above us, blocking the stars from my view.

I turned my head to look at you, the tip of your cigarette glowing in the dark night sky. Your eyes were closed, your lips moving in silent, unspoken words, like a poem that you would not let me hear. I watched your chest rise and fall, another drag on a cheap cigarette.

You sensed my gaze and turned your head, our eyes connecting. You held the cigarette out toward me and I took it, letting the smoke fill my lungs as I stared at you. You looked at me and you saw the old me. Someone you knew with such certainty that you needed. I looked at myself and could only see the changes I'd made for you. Someone who tried so hard to find the same certainty as you.

You saw my body shiver in the night and you pushed yourself up with your elbows, pulling off your jacket and laying it over me, falling back on the hood of the car. I took a deep breath, pulling the jacket up to my nose and inhaling your scent. It was a scent I'd dreamt of so many nights after you'd gone away.

You took one last drag, throwing the dying cigarette to the dirt as you looked back up at the night. As we lay in silence, I could hear the cars on a road far from where we were, people moving from place to place, time moving forward as I lay stuck with you on that dark night. A song hummed out from the radio, only lightly breaking through the cracked window. That song.

"What am I doing here?" I asked, my voice slicing through our silence.

You turned your head back toward me, your eyes never faltering as you stared at me. "You know," you said, the confidence still in your voice as it was that night that seemed so long ago. "You know."

You look at me and you see Rory Gilmore, I look at me and I see you.

* * *

He'd shown up without a word. Days and days had passed, and I'd been alone. But now he stood in front of me- vivid, real. I looked at him, his eyes flared with emotion as he begged me to leave with him.

"Where exactly are we supposed to go, Jess?" I asked, my voice rising with every word as I stared at him standing across from me. My heart beat rapidly as I waited for him to speak.

"I want to be with you but... not here. Not this place. Not Stars Hollow. We have to start new." He said, urgency peaking through his words.

"There's nothing to start!"

"You're packed! Your stuff is all in boxes; It's perfect! You're ready, and I'm ready. I'm ready for this; you can count on me now. I know you couldn't before but you can now; you can."

"Look, you know we're supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you two years ago, and you know it too. I know you do." Jess said, his voice lowering slightly, thick with despair that I had never heard before.

"No," I said, shaking my head and looking away. "No, no, no..." My voice trailed off as the tears slowly fell from the corners of my eyes.

"Don't say 'no' just to make me stop talking or to make me go away. Only say no if you don't want to be with me." He said quickly.

I slowly lifted my head, staring into his eyes. As I looked at him, for the first time I saw something that I'd never seen before. Our eyes slowly held each other as I stared into his deep eyes, feeling the sadness inside of him as I'd never felt before. I looked at him, and I saw the love that he would never give me before. It poured from his eyes, enveloping the room and wrapping around me as we stood staring at each other, not saying a word.

"Please Rory," he finally said, his voice cracking with the weight of his words. "Please, just come with me. Please."

The silence hung heavily around us as he stood, waiting to hear me say no again. Waiting for me to reject him.

"Okay," I whispered, one last tear sliding down off of my chin. "Yes."

Quickly I turned, walking into my dorm room and turning on the light, pulling my duffel bag out from under my bed. I turned to my dresser, pulling clothes out as quickly as I could, trying to drown out the voices in my head that were screaming at me to stop. I heard him in the doorway, silently watching me as I ran quickly around the room, my hands flying from my dresser to the duffel bag. He hadn't said a word. He hadn't expected me to agree.

I was done within minutes, and before I could comprehend I found myself facing him in the doorway, my duffel bag slung over my shoulder and my eyes looking straight into his.

"Okay?" He asked, his face rising in question.

"Okay," I said again, turning off the light beside me.

He grabbed my hand and we ran out of the dorm, down the hallway and out into the night. We reached his car and he stopped abruptly, turning toward me. He placed his hand on the back of my neck, pulling my face toward his and catching my mouth with his. My body fell into his as we stood in the silent night, feeling the lips that we never thought we would feel again; the familiarity we'd thought we lost. He pulled away, looking straight into my eyes. "I love you," he said. His voice was different now. No longer was he merely speaking words. He was giving me the promise that I'd wanted so many months before. I did not need to say the words for him to know that I loved him too.

Together we drove off into the night, leaving life behind us. I didn't think about the things I was leaving as we drove away. I didn't think about Dean, or Yale, or even about my mother. I merely looked at him, his eyes fixed on the road as he drove. I watched Jess on that night as he drove and I fell, I fell mercilessly into him.


	2. The Silence of the Night

A/N- Sorry for all the lapsed time between chapters. I promise that the chapters will start to get longer and more full of action. The story is just starting off slow. Thank you all SO much for the response on the last chapter. Please review and let me know how you feel this chapter went. :) And just to clear up confusion- I wrote the first half of the last chapter with "you" instead of "Jess" because it was supposed be kind of letter-like. It was just what struck me at the moment and so I wrote it that way, and I'm not sure why. Sorry for the confusion. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the new chapter!

* * *

Chapter Two

The miles flicked by, blurring as we sped down the highway. I watched the mile markers fly by as we drove, counting the distance that stretched between us and the life I left behind. One mile... two, three, four, five...

I let my mind count to thirty before I spoke.

"Pull over," I said, my voice coming out hoarse and unsure.

Jess's eyes shifted toward me. "What?"

"Pull over," I said again with more insistency. "Pull over now."

"Pull over?" he asked, his voice incredulous. "Rory, we're in the middle of nowhere."

"I don't care," I shouted. "I need to get out of this car right now. Pull over!"

The car quickly veered to the right, rolling to a stop amongst the thick covering of trees that hung over the road. I opened my door, my body spilling out as if it had been expanding every moment I'd been in his car- every mile that had passed us by.

I leaned down, bracing my hands on my knees, letting my breaths come out low and shallow. I heard Jess exit the car and stand silently behind me.

"I've got to go," I stated. "I have to go back." I quickly turned and began to walk, my mind racing with every thought I hadn't let it speak before.

"Rory!" I heard him scream my name and heard his feet as they hit the gravel and he chased after me. I kept walking. Faster. The faster I walked, the louder my mind screamed at me to run.

"Rory, stop!" I felt him grab my arm, pulling me backward. I fell into him, my head bent downward, locking my gaze on his worn tennis shoes standing below us on the deserted highway road. He pulled me up against him, and I leaned further into him, letting my breaths even out as I listened to his heart beat rapidly through his thin jacket.

The silence hung over us as I listened to the beat of his heart begin to slow, his hands running lightly through my hair. The urge to run, run away from every feeling that Jess stirred inside of me, began to dissipate.

"Why am I here?" I whispered, repeating the question I'd asked in the car thirty miles before we reached this standstill.

Jess paused, his fingers tracing the line of my hair down my back. Finally, his voice broke the silence. "You're here because this is where you belong. We belong together. We can't have all of those miles between us anymore."

I pulled my face away from his chest and stared up at him, his dark eyes staring calmly down at me.

"How do you know, Jess?" I asked.

He paused, taking my face into his hands. "I just know, Rory," he said, before swooping his head downward, his lips pressing against mine with an urgency that I'd never felt before.

I let my body wind into his as we stood, our feet crunching lightly in the gravel below us. Our mouths spread quickly over one another, the months fading away with every second that took me further from where I'd been.

He finally pulled away, his eyes halfway closed in that lazy way that I used to love. In high school, the mystery behind his eyes used to make me want him more. He would look out at the world through drooped eyelids, as if he couldn't open his eyes to everything that Stars Hollow was for the people encompassed by it. As if his mind was so full of words and characters from the books that piled his shelves that he couldn't open himself to us-- or to me.

As I looked at him, my mind flashed to his hunched form on the back of the bus. The world moved around us as he looked over at me, reluctantly speaking but not saying a word. I hadn't known he would leave, and he hadn't wanted me to know. Quickly I swallowed, pushing the memory from my mind as I brought myself back to the present.

"We should go," he said quietly. "We don't have to go anywhere far yet. There's a motel a few miles down the road. We can stop and stay, let the night pass. We'll head out in the morning."

We'll head out in the morning, my mind repeated. When everything is clearer.

Ten miles down the road we pulled over in the parking lot of a small, run-down motel. Jess jumped out of the car and jogged into the office, paying and taking a key from the tired woman behind the desk. We took our things inside, and remained quiet as we looked around. The motel's conditions were grim, but my body was exhausted.

I changed into pajama pants and crawled quickly into the bed, letting the thin covers pool around me. I turned toward the wall and I closed my eyes. I could hear Jess moving around in the room, and for the first time, I let my mind think of my mother. I tried to think of what she would say if she could see me right now-- spending the night in a seedy motel with a boy. With Jess.

The light flicked off and I heard him climb in beside me. I could sense his eyes on me, staring at my back as I faced the wall. I felt his hand on my shoulder and I rolled over onto my back, my eyes searching through the darkness to find his. The neon light from the motel's sign shined into the room, casting an eerie red glow on his figure.

I reached over, letting my hand fall over his bare chest, and I realized that this was the first time I'd ever been in this position with Jess. It was the first time I'd ever let myself be this exposed. He said nothing, pulling me toward him and wrapping his arm around my neck, tucking me into the crook between his shoulder blade and his chest. It struck me how strange it was that my body still fit into his exactly as it had before.

I could hear his heart beating as the clock beside the bed ticked off the seconds beside us. The silence was heavy as we lay together, his hand running slowly up and down over the skin of my arm. There were so many words that had been building that we both weren't ready to release yet. In my heart, I still felt the burn of his escape to California and in his I knew he still felt the guilt of leaving.

Tomorrow, the sun would rise and things would begin again. But that night, in the room cast with a red glow, I let myself lay silently on his chest as his rhythmic heart beat me to sleep, and I let myself forget. I let myself feel safe in his embrace as I never had before, because he felt he was ready now, and I felt I was as well. As my mind drifted off to sleep, the vision of Jess filled my mind, his eyes gazing lazily out at the world as the bus rolled out of Stars Hollow, and rolled far, far away from where he'd left me behind.


	3. Falling Forward

A/N- It's been far too long. I blame my absence on the business of finishing up another semester at school, but I am back. This story has been playing at the back of my mind for months, and so here I finally am with a chapter. I hope you all enjoy it. Please, please review and let me know what you think. I'm falling in love with this story, I'll admit. Let me know what you think. Thank you, and enjoy... :)

* * *

Chapter Three

When I awoke the next morning, the space beside me was empty. I rolled over, staring blankly at the place where Jess's body had occupied the night before. Slowly I propped myself up on my elbows and saw the note on the bedside table.

Rory,

You looked peaceful. Didn't want to wake you. I've gone to the diner down the road. Meet me when you wake,

J

My fingers traced his hurried letters, circling repeatedly over the letter J. I dropped the note back on the bedside table and pulled myself out of bed, rummaging through my suitcase and yanking out a change of clothes. I went into the bathroom and jumped quickly into the shower, turning the heat up as high as my body could stand. I let the hot water pour down my body, burying my face in its harsh cascade. The noise of the water hitting the tile couldn't drown out the voices screaming through my head.

I scrubbed my body, violently washing away the dust of the day past from my skin. My mother's face ran repeatedly through my brain. She would know that I was gone by now. She would continue to dial my number, over and over, listening as my voicemail message played again and again. She would call a clueless Paris at her home and ask if she'd heard from me, but Paris would say that she hadn't seen me since we'd said goodbye after her finals. Soon she would go to my dorm room, see the scattered boxes and empty closets and she would know. Somehow my mother would know that I'd abandoned her. She'd know that I had abandoned myself.

After my shower, I quickly dressed in my clothes and combed my hair back into a pony tail. I slid my feet into a pair of flip flops and walked out the door and down the short dusty road to the diner three buildings over. It was a busy day and the tables were nearly filled, but my eyes found him immediately amongst the crowd.

He sat alone in a corner booth, a half dozen maps spilled across the table in front of him and almost as many empty coffee cups beside him. His eyes searched carefully over the scattered network of roads on the map, his brain attempting to grasp what path we would take.

I walked up to the table and his eyes rose to meet mine, a smile forming on his lips.

"Hey," he said, leaning back in his seat.

"Hey," I said, my voice coming out much shakier than I'd meant it to. He could feel the unease in my body and so he quickly took my hand, guiding me into the booth across from him.

"Sit," he said. He quickly motioned to the waitress at the next table, "Miss, can I get another cup of coffee, and one for the lady as well. And... pancakes?" He asked, looking at me. I nodded and he smiled at the girl, "Pancakes."

After the waitress had left, he turned toward me. "Did you sleep okay?"

I nodded. I was surprised at how well I had slept. I'd fallen asleep almost instantly in his arms. I had felt a sense of calm wash over me as I lay listening to his heart beat in the still night, lulling me into a state of slumber and submission. I'd felt so safe and warm, curling into the shadow of something that I hadn't known for years-- safe from everything I'd left behind in his embrace.

"I slept great," I responded, smiling at him. The waitress came by, sliding two cups of coffee in front of us. I grasped the cup gladly, taking a sip and letting the warm liquid slide easily down my throat.

I nodded my head toward the maps. "So, where are we going to go?" I asked, my heart beating in anticipation of his answer. A part of me was terrified of where we would go--terrified to pull myself away from everything and anyone that I'd ever known and follow Jess blindly down the road. There was still another part of me, however, that felt hope. There was a hope swelling inside of me, larger every minute, a hope that this was where I needed to be. My heart and body ached for Jess to be the one, even if my brain still warned that he wasn't.

"That's what I was trying to figure out," he admitted, staring at the maps. "We can pretty much go anywhere." He paused, looking back up into my eyes. "Like I said before, Rory, I don't really care where we go. All I want is to be with you."

I felt my heart beat harder as he stared at me, waiting for me to say something in return. I let out a breath of relief as the waitress came, setting down a large plate of pancakes in front of me. I quickly busied myself with eating and Jess turned back toward the maps.

"New York?" I asked, bringing the conversation back to our destination.

"I don't think New York is the right place for us," he said.

"Why not?" I asked between bites of food.

"It's too expensive, and getting more expensive by the minute. The places that we could afford would be small and in dangerous parts of town. I wouldn't feel right bringing you there," he admitted.

I paused for a moment, taking a sip from my coffee cup and processing his words. "So where will we go?" I asked.

He smiled, placing his finger on the map. "I was thinking Philadelphia."

* * *

We were on the road within the hour. Jess's car hurdled down the road toward something we couldn't yet comprehend, and away from a past that we both hoped our silence could erase.

"We'll need to stop in New York before heading down to Philadelphia," Jess had said as we packed our things in the small motel room before we'd left.

"Why New York?" I'd asked, absentmindedly throwing yesterday's clothes into my suitcase.

"There are some things I need to do there before I leave. Loose ends that need to be tied up." His eyes caught mine. "It won't take long," he promised.

We drove down the long stretch of highway and I let my eyes glance quickly over at Jess. His eyes were fixed on the road, a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth. I could see the relief as it eased its way into his body. He had gotten what he needed; I was sitting in the passenger seat beside him as he took me toward our future. I tried not to think about everything I was giving up to be with him; the future I was abandoning on the mere hope that everything I hoped Jess would become could truly be.

I pulled my eyes away, reaching down into my bag on the floor by my feet. I took out a book and quickly scanned through the pages, finding the place where I'd left off before all of this had begun.

"What are you reading?" Jess's voice rose above the radio as he cast a glance at my open book.

I paused. "Ethan Frome," I said.

He let out a laugh. "Again?" He asked. "What is that, like your fifteenth time?"

"Something like that," I admitted, a smile now falling on my face as well. "I can't help it; it's one of my favorites."

"What is it about that book?" He asked curiously.

I paused for a moment, thinking over his question. "You know, I'm not really sure," I said, letting out a sigh. "There is just something so nice about it."

"Nice?" Jess exclaimed, glancing once more at me. He laughed, "Rory, it's about a group of people so stuck in their useless existence that they are never able to escape. It's about each person feeling so helplessly wedged in immovable silence that they feel the need to trap each other in their own agony."

I shook my head, "I know your feelings on Ethan Frome, Jess. Remember, we had exactly this same argument back in Stars Hollow before you-"My voice dropped off, unable to finish my statement. There was a brief pause as he realized what I was about to say. I quickly spoke again, cutting off the silence. "Anyway, I realize you think the book is just a uselessly sad story full of helpless, stagnant people, but I disagree. I think there's a certain amount of hope in it."

He chuckled, "Okay Rory, believe whatever you want to believe. Just know that I won't necessarily agree."

I let out a dramatic sigh. "You think anything that's not Ernest Hemingway is useless."

"Not everything," he said with a slanted smile. "Although I do admit, he sets a pretty high standard."

I let out a light laugh, some of the tension easing from my shoulders as we drove down the empty road.

The miles flew past us as we drove, the minutes passing by as I got lost in the contents of my book. When I looked up later, I noticed the volume of traffic around us had changed, and thick buildings rose around us. We had reached New York. Jess maneuvered his car through the heavy traffic with ease. He pulled into a crowded parking garage and quickly pulled into a stall, killing the engine.

The silence was thick between us as we sat in the dark parking garage.

"I've been living with a couple guys here. I just need to get things cleared up, tie up loose ends. It won't take long. We'll leave as soon as I'm done." He gave me a small smile as he unbuckled his seatbelt and climbed out of the car. I followed his lead.

We walked a few blocks from the garage, the loud streets of New York bustling around us. He stopped in front of a short, sagging building, pulling out a set of keys and opening the front door.

The building was in sad shape. The stairs were uneven and cracked in several places and the paint was peeling from the buckling walls. Jess lived in an apartment on the third floor. He unlocked the door and we entered. I watched as his eyes quickly scanned the room. He let out a sigh of relief when he found that we were alone.

"My roommates leave something to be desired," he explained. "It's probably best that they aren't here."

The apartment was one large room with a small kitchen and bathroom attached on either side. Three beds lay on the sunken floorboards. There were discarded beer cans and trash strewn throughout the room, but Jess pushed his way carelessly through it to the bed toward the back of the apartment.

I stared at the apartment as Jess walked from one end to the other, stuffing items in his duffle bag. I looked at the cluttered beds, the faded blue wallpaper, the pile of worn books at the edge of Jess's bed, the torn posters of bands I did not recognize on the walls. I looked around me at the apartment, and saw Jess without me. I saw the life that he had built in my absence. I saw what had become of him as I struggled through my freshman year at Yale. It was amazing to think that his life had gone on in my absence. When I thought of Jess, he existed only when I was near him. I had never thought of him existing- living, breathing, working, laughing, forming friendships- while he was away from me. To me, Jess only existed in the confines of my memory.

But Jess had lived without me, built a life that I was not a part of. He felt was ready for me now. He was prepared to push away his life and form a new one with me. He was prepared to build a life around me so that our lives would never have to exist independent of one another again. I felt the apprehension tighten in my chest as Jess glanced over at me. Noticing the look on my face he quickly took a step toward me. "Are you okay?" He asked, his hand instinctively reaching toward me. He caught it before it brushed against my cheek, pulling it back as if he wasn't sure he was allowed.

"I'm fine," I said quietly. "It's just... strange, I guess. Strange to see where you lived when you weren't with me." I knew my words couldn't explain what I was feeling, but somehow Jess understood.

He took another step toward me, closing the gap between us. He reached his hand up again, allowing it to run through my hair as he looked down at me.

"I was away from you for a long time, Rory. But I don't think I ever truly lived. All of this," he looked around the room, "all of this is the shell that I built around myself. The place where I existed, but never truly lived. I am ready to live again, Rory. I'm ready to live and be with you. I'm ready," he assured me. "I promise."

I lifted myself up on my tip toes, my lips connecting with his, sending a chill down my spine. When we pulled away, I looked up into his eyes as I felt something stirring deep within my stomach.

"I love you too," I whispered, answering the pledge that he'd made me as we'd swiftly packed my things into his car outside my dorm. I hadn't had the breath to say it at the time, but when I looked at Jess in the dim light of his disheveled apartment, I knew that it was true. I knew that everything I'd searched for over the past year was resting in front of me. I had never been able to push my thoughts past Jess, as hard as I had tried.

As we stood together, silently staring at one another, I knew that I was ready. I was ready to fall forward, and trust in Jess's strong embrace. I was ready to believe that the trust that I placed in him would not be in vain, but that Jess would fall with me, our love forever burning through the doubts of those around us.


End file.
